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Proof that Super Mario Must Be Super Endowed
Yes, you read the title correctly. Before you go judging me for even thinking about this understand that I’m not necessarily concerned with how many pixels long his bits are. What I’m concerned with is proving my theory that Super Mario must be packing man parts big enough to impress Dirk Digler.
For some this might not matter, but I am so confused as to why the Princess would ever want Mario over Bowser that I decided there must be only one conclusion for her decision – hence the title of this post. And actually, the more I thought about it, the more blatantly obvious and conclusive my claim is.
Before I get started proving my case, I want to give a brief backstory on the world of Mario, just so we’re all on the same page…
In the original Nintendo version of the first Super Mario Bros. game, Mario is in Mushroom Kingdom, trying to save his girlfriend, Princess Peach, from King Bowser Koopa who has allegedly kidnapped her and put her in one of his castles. From there, the story continues on to Mario working his way through eight strange Mushroom Kingdom worlds in order to rescue Princess Peach.
What blows my mind is why she’d even want to be rescued. It seems to me that she could have had a pretty good thing with Bowser, and her alternative, Mario, is less than impressive as a suitor. I understand Mario is the hero, and princesses always choose the hero, but if Peach had half a brain you’d think she would have thought things through a bit more.
I’m serious. If you think I’m nuts, just think about this for a bit…
Mario is a sweaty Italian
Hang up the phones I.A.A.C., I’m half Italian myself, and nobody sweats more than me. But still, the fact remains. Mario is a hairy, sweaty, probably smelly (thank God this never worked out) lover of Pepporoni.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
But, seriously, if you were Peach, why would you want to wake up next to that, when you could have Bowser with his bad-ass look and muscled-up body.
Mario is a plumber
Again, I have no issue with plumbers and I am not in any way against plumbing as a career (hold on to your pipe wrench UA). In fact, I am so very thankful that there are people who know how it works, both because I enjoy having clean, running water and because I know what it’s like to deal with a clogged toilet or two. But on one side you’ve got a guy who comes home smelling like sewage everyday, and on the other side you’ve got a guy with ambitions to take over the world.
Ladies, I don’t know about you, but I know who I’d choose.
And, if that’s not a good enough reason, I’ve got two words for ya…plumber’s crack.
Mario lives with his brother
Our hero has a dirty NYC apartment. And he shares it with his brother Luigi, who, for the record, is also a sweaty Italian, only thinner. Even he is a more attractive alternative to his big bro.
There’s nothing wrong with having a roommate, especially when it’s your brother, but c’mon Princess, the dude’s in his thirties (at least) and still isn’t ready to move out on his own, let alone ask you to live with him?
I’d have more respect for him if he asked you to let him move into your castle with you. But instead he stays shacked up with his brother. I guess it could be worse…
He could live in his parent’s basement.
Mario has no castles
Mario owns zero castles.
Bowser has vacation palaces all over Mushroom Kingdom.
Granted, they’re all decked out with lava pits that spit fireballs and you have to avoid the swinging ball-and-chain-with-spikes that are around every corner, but if you can get past that, you’re living in the lap of luxury.
Anyways, walking around with all those lava pits and fireballs has to make it feel like you’re standing in a tanning bed all the time. And Peach, if you’re reading this, a little tan could do your pale ass some good.
Mario has zero fashion sense
I know from time to time he changes his clothes, but Mario’s trademark getup is his red overalls and white painter’s hat. If he’s going to be running around Mushroom Kingdom playing the hero, couldn’t he at least dress like the badass he’s pretending to be?
I’d be ok with him stealing an idea, even. Ninja Gaiden? Double Dragon? Hell, even Mega Man would be better.
Instead, we get a plumber wearing painter’s clothes and Mickey Mouse gloves. Mario, I love ya brother, but Most Extreme Makeover is looking for you.
Mario has a porn ‘stache
Mario has been sporting the old caterpillar on your lip look for as long as we’ve known him and it’s become a trademark part of his appearance. But, what was cool in 1985 isn’t necessarily still as cool here in the second decade of the 21st century.
When something becomes a part of you for that long it’s hard to change, so we understand, Mario. But until you do shave (or even just shape) that squirrel tail on your face, you’ll always be running uphill when it comes to competing for Princess Peach’s heart.
While we’re on the topic, you might want to think about a haircut as well. It’s not that it’s that bad, it’s just that between the hair and the mustache you sorta remind us of someone…
I’ll agree, Mario’s efforts are valiant. His head is in the right place and you can’t blame him for trying. The truth is, though, that no matter how Prince Charming-esque he acts, there is still only one reason good enough for Peach to ever choose Mario over Bowser…
I rest my case.
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Love a good Mario Bros. article.
The more I wrote, the more I really started to believe how right I am. Besides, whatever happened to “good girls like bad guys”?
The Princess obviously prefers guys with a good personality.
I think Bowser is just misunderstood.
I can’t argue with your logic.
It’s probably best that you don’t, Mom.